Breaking News! Did you know that the U.S. government has officially licensed the sale of at-home waterboarding devices? It’s true. You can buy them in thousands of retail stores around the country, most for less than $20. This marks a dark day in our nation…
These sadistic devices are cleverly marketed to unsuspecting consumers as “neti pots”, which as we all know is an anagram for “nepotist”. Coincidence? I think not. Last week my wife was so duped into buying this tool of dictators and tyrants that she actually bought two — one “for us” and one for Harrison — and she has since subjected the entire family to her torturous ways.
Even though I cracked under the pressure (coughing, gagging, and crying counts as cracking, right?), Harrison took his interrogation with a great deal more dignity and courage. He actually laughed afterward, while still strapped to the chair. I think he may make a good CIA spy hunter one day.
Even though Harrison made it through the experience, I can’t begin to describe what a chilling sight it is to see your own child waterboarded by his mother. Sick.
UPDATE: As if the near-drowning wasn’t enough, now we can add brain-eating amoebas to the neti pot’s list of tortures.